There is a danger in thinking you’re right.

It’s amazing how quickly your brain decides it knows exactly what’s going on, without a doubt. For sure, this narrative is correct, right? And then you find out it’s not.

Neuroscientists have shown that our brains are constantly making predictions about the world around us. We don’t wait until we have all the information. We see a few pieces of evidence, fill in the blanks, and move on. It’s an incredibly efficient system, but it has a downside: we often mistake our predictions for reality.

For example, someone gets quiet in a meeting, and you assume they’re frustrated with you. Or maybe someone pushes back on an idea you just pitched, and you decide they don’t support it, or even worse, you assume that they think you’re an idiot. Or you’re like me, and you convince yourself that someone doesn’t care about your time when they repeatedly reschedule or skip meetings with you, as I wrote about in last week’s article. We see something, our brains connect a few dots, and before long we’ve got the whole thing figured out.

This issue is that you don’t actually have it figured out; you’ve simply told yourself a story.

We all do this; it’s human nature, and to avoid falling into this trap, you’ve got to be intentional about stopping the story. For me, being accurate is far more important than being right, so whenever I feel certain that I know why someone did something, I remind myself that just because I think it’s true doesn’t make it true.

He Thought He Was Being a Better Listener

I saw this play out years ago with one of my managers. This person had an intense face whenever he was concentrating. If someone was presenting an idea or his team was discussing an issue, he’d lean forward, tighten his jaw, furrow his brow, and narrow his eyes, which made him look pissed off.

People started complaining to me that he was always upset in meetings and they didn’t want to speak up or share ideas. He was losing managerial effectiveness, and everyone was frustrated. So, I attended a few of his meetings to observe what was happening, and sure enough, his facial expressions were destroying psychological safety.

When I sat with him to discuss what was happening, I explained that people were reading his facial expression as anger. They thought he was upset with them or didn’t like what they were saying. He looked at me like I had three heads.

“I’m not upset,” he said. “I’m concentrating.”

Then he explained, “Years earlier, I was told I wasn’t a very good listener by one of my managers. That feedback stuck with me, so I started trying to be more present and show that I was actually listening. So whenever someone is talking, I lean in and concentrate to show them they had my full attention.”.

Then I asked him, “Have you ever seen what your face looks like when you’re concentrating?”

He laughed and said no.

I happened to have one of those little makeup mirrors in my purse. I handed it to him and asked him to make the same expression he makes in meetings. He looked into the mirror for a few seconds, smiled, and then started laughing.

“Oh my gosh,” he said. “I really do look angry.”

It’s amazing how easily two people can experience the same moment and come away with completely different conclusions. He thought he was communicating that he was engaged. His team thought he was communicating that he was upset. Same moment but completely different experiences. And this is how misunderstandings happen and why there’s danger in thinking you’re right.

Certainty Changes the Conversation

I’ve found that certainty changes the way we enter a conversation. Once we’ve decided we know what’s going on, we stop trying to understand. We don’t ask questions because we no longer think we need the answers. Instead, we start looking for evidence to prove we’re right, and that’s where things can go sideways.

I remind myself of this whenever I am preparing to have a difficult discussion: I’ve never walked away from one thinking, “I’m glad I was certain.” The conversations I value most are the ones where I leave with a better understanding of the person and the situation.

Questions Help Us Get Closer to Reality

This is why the R in the SHARES model matters so much. It stands for Reflect with Questions and Dialogue, and I think it’s the step that allows the conversation to unfold with curiosity rather than definitiveness.

Asking questions does two things: it makes the other person feel heard and allows us to gain more insight.

When I ask someone, “Help me understand how you experienced this,” or “What was your intention?” I’m looking for information to help me improve my understanding. I know my perspective is only one piece of what happened, and I don’t want to mistake it as the “truth.”

Leadership requires confidence, but confidence shouldn’t become certainty. The more responsibility we have, the easier it is to believe our interpretation is accurate simply because we’re used to making decisions. I’ve found the opposite is usually true. The bigger the decision or the more important the relationship, the more valuable it is to slow down and make sure I’m seeing the situation clearly.

Replacing Assumptions with Dialogue

The manager with the thinking face understood this immediately. After our conversation, he didn’t try to change who he was as a person. Instead, he talked to his team.

He told them, “If you see me making that face, that’s my thinking face. It doesn’t mean I’m upset. If you’re wondering what’s going on in my head, just ask.”

It may seem like a small thing, but it changed the team’s dynamic. People stopped assuming he was mad and they started asking. If they noticed his face tighten up, someone would smile and say, “You’ve got your thinking face on. What’s going through your mind?” Everyone would laugh, he’d explain what he was thinking, and the conversation kept moving.

Nothing about his personality changed, but the nature of the team discussions did…for the better. Trust was built because people stopped assuming that he had bad intentions and instead started testing their own stories by being more forthright and curious.

Leave Knowing More Than You Did Before

I’ve had plenty of people ask me about a facial expression, a comment I made in a meeting, or a moment where I stayed silent, wanting to make sure I wasn’t upset. I appreciate those conversations because they help make sure we are all on the same page. I wouldn’t even know that something I did or didn’t do created a story unless someone has the courage to ask what I meant instead of deciding what I meant.

Sometimes they discover the story they were telling themselves wasn’t accurate. Sometimes I realize I wasn’t communicating what I thought I was. Either way, we both leave with a better understanding than we had before.

And the importance of all of these moments, along with the danger of thinking you’re right, became crystal clear as I was writing my new book, Talk with Trust. My goal going forward is never to convince someone that my interpretation is the right one. Instead, I’m trying to make sure we both leave with a more accurate understanding of what actually happened.

That’s why I think asking questions is one of the most underappreciated leadership tools we have. They interrupt the stories we tell ourselves before those stories harden into beliefs. They remind us that another person’s experience is something we discover, not something we get to decide.

Whenever I catch myself thinking, I know exactly what’s going on here, I stop and ask one more question. In my experience, reality almost always lives somewhere between the two perspectives. Because I understand that there’s a danger in thinking you’re right.

If this idea speaks to you, I dive deeper into it in my upcoming book, Talk with Trust, which you can pre-order now. You can also check out this week’s episode of the Kerry Siggins Podcast, where I discuss this concept, share more examples, and explain why sharing your experience is such a powerful way to build trust.

If you want to build stronger communication, accountability, and trust in your leadership team, I’d be happy to help. Book a meeting with me to learn more about bringing a Talk with Trust Leadership Experience to your organization.

And remember, there’s danger in thinking you’re right. It’s always better to be accurate than it is to be right.