We all overreact from time to time, getting far more upset than the situation deserves. Those moments can look like someone questioning you, leaving you out of a decision, not following through on a commitment, or using one of your trigger words in a conversation. You find yourself getting angry or defensive or shutting down, and hours later, you’re still building a case for why your story about the situation is right.
I do this, too. I’ve literally caught myself thinking, “I’m the CEO! What’s going on here? Just do what I say?” Or “Why is this person questioning me?” Or “That was rude on purpose!” Or “That person doesn’t respect me!”
Thankfully, I keep these statements in my head, because I would never lead this way (at least not intentionally), but I’d be lying if I said I never felt that way. I’ve come to recognize that these moments give me valuable information, and the reason I am upset lies beneath the initial story. It lies with how I see myself as a leader, or my identity, and when my identity is pushed against, it feels like there is a lack of trust, respect, or that I’m losing control of the situation.
Conflict is always part of life and leadership, and as I’ve explored my relationship with it and how it makes me feel, I began to question why some disagreements roll right off me while others get completely under my skin. And I’ve come to realize that it’s always about the meaning I assign to the conflict, or the person I am in conflict with. And we should better understand what’s hiding underneath our biggest disagreements.
The Meaning We Give It
Here’s a recent example. Someone on my team sent me a presentation to send to our board of directors as part of the board packet. I hadn’t seen the content until that moment, and I wondered, “Why didn’t they go over this with me first, especially before it goes to the board? Do they not value my opinion or respect me enough to make sure I’m aligned with the direction before we discuss it with the board? Can I trust what’s going on here? And who’s in charge anyway? Me!”
Then I paused, took a deep breath, and asked, “How do I know if any of this is true?” My answer was none of it. The only thing I knew was that they sent me the presentation and asked me to include it in the board packet, without reviewing it with me first. The rest of it was just my narrative.
Sure, any one of those interpretations could be accurate. Maybe they don’t value my opinion, or maybe something nefarious is going on, albeit highly unlikely. I’m not suggesting that we ignore the situation or convince ourselves that everything is fine, just in case it isn’t. What matters is recognizing it’s a story, and we’d best get to the bottom of it before making an assumption that starts to erode trust and relationships.
I believe that most conflict happens because of three things: a perceived lack of trust, control, and/or respect. Trust comes into play when we think we can’t trust someone’s intentions. We feel like we are losing control, and someone makes a decision without us. We assume someone doesn’t respect us when they disagree with what we believe to be true. Sometimes all three happen at once. On the surface, the argument may be about not being invited to the meeting, being left out of a decision, or not agreeing with what someone said, but it gets under our skin because it touches one of these three deeper places — it’s what underneath out biggest disagreements.
Why Do I Need to Control This?
I don’t consider myself overcontrolling (maybe others do, but it’s not how I see myself), but I rub up against feeling like I am no longer in control when someone questions a decision I’ve made or a direction I want to go. It shows up as me wanting to end the conversation quickly; I’ve explained my thinking, and I am ready to make the call. Let’s go!
As a CEO, sometimes that needs to happen; we can’t debate everything forever, and I’ve learned to be okay with making decisions not everyone agrees with.
But just because I may have the authority to end the conversation, it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. Why? Because in those moments, it’s often my ego making that call, not my higher self. I could easily convince myself that I am ending the conversation because I have lots of experience and sound leadership judgment. It’s harder to tell myself that, really, I’m annoyed by being challenged, and I just want the person to agree with me. Bottom line, I want to exert control through authority.
Over the years of dealing with thousands of these kinds of interactions, I’ve learned to stop and ask myself why I need to control the situation so badly. Do I really think that my way is the only way? Why am I making this personal?
The answer makes me sigh, knowing I am letting my lesser self run the show, and I move forward more curious and open-minded.
The Stories We Build About People
Trust makes things more complicated. Let’s use someone missing an important commitment, for example. I could easily tell myself that I can’t rely on this person; they aren’t consistent. If this behavior continues over time, that conclusion may be true. But I also know how easy it is to take one disappointing experience and turn it into a much bigger judgment about someone.
If you’re like me, once you decide you can’t trust someone, you see all their actions through that lens. A late reply bothers me more, or I question an explanation I might otherwise have assumed to be true. Their actions, or lack of them, build evidence that I am right about them.
But it’s worth questioning if your lack of trust is misplaced. There could be a multitude of reasons why this person missed their commitment. Perhaps it is reasonable that your trust has been broken, but perhaps your story has gotten bigger than the evidence supporting it.
When Disagreement Feels Personal
When it comes to respect, things can go downhill fast. Someone questions you in a meeting, disagrees with your idea, or gives you feedback you don’t like, and suddenly you stop processing what they are saying and start convincing yourself they don’t respect you.
The truth is that people can respect you deeply and still think you’re wrong. They can question your judgment, tell you something you don’t want to hear, and still hold you in high regard. And even though it can be painful, you need people around you who aren’t afraid to share these things with you. Why? Because if you get defensive every time someone pushes back against you, people will figure you out and stop challenging you. That might feel better, but it’s not good leadership. You never want to mistake a lack of friction for alignment.
It gets even more complex when control, trust, and respect come together in one situation. Someone challenges you publicly, which embarrasses you, so you feel they’ve disrespected you. Then you feel like they’ve undermined your authority, and you are compelled to regain control. And as you reflect on the conversation, you wonder why they challenged you publicly and whether you can trust them.
Now the conflict has really exploded.
What Am I Actually Fighting For?
Not all conflict comes down to control, trust, or respect. Sometimes people genuinely want different things. People can clash over scarce resources, misaligned values, or unclear expectations. Sometimes someone simply isn’t doing their job well enough.
But it’s worth examining if trust, control, and respect are at play when you are in conflict. And to do that, you have to stop building your case against the other person long enough to look at what’s happening inside of you. What are you protecting? What have you decided their behavior means, and what evidence do you have that your interpretation is true? What’s truly underneath your biggest disagreements?
Reflecting on the various conflicts I’ve been in over the years, I’ve sometimes come away believing the other person needs to change their behavior. Other times, I’ve seen that I need to change mine. But most of the time, we both have something to own.
I’ve made far better decisions as a leader because someone was willing to push back on me. And some of the most important conversations I’ve had started because of misalignment or miscommunication, and I am glad the person had the courage to discuss it with me. And I don’t want to eliminate these interactions; they are important and part of my growth, as well as the other person’s. I just don’t want to spend all my energy fighting over a story I created about what someone else did.
So when I find myself replaying a conversation or building a really convincing case in my head about why someone else is wrong, I want to catch myself before I get too far down that road and ask: what actually happened, and what is lying underneath the conflict: trust, control, or respect? And is the meaning I’ve assigned to it accurate? That’s conscious leadership.
Knowing what’s underneath a our biggest disagreements is one thing. Knowing how to walk into it, tell the truth, and leave with more trust, clarity, and a path forward is another. That’s the work I do in my Talk with Trust Leadership Experience, built on the principles in my book, Talk with Trust. If you’re facing a conversation you know you need to have, you can book a 20-minute evaluation call with me to talk through what’s happening and see if the experience is right for you.
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